12.11.2008
- true power - when dark and light unite
Today a bit of sun. Enough for the house plants to take
note and be watered. A load of laundry to be hung, after
repositioning the tipping over clothes tree. Put on another load of
laundry, meditation by the window incense and Buddha nature as far as
far as far can be…
Now fire stared table cleaned I sit here typing again.
\Work some poems? At least continue edit for Bassa Nuvo. Maybe
work on s’little russia, its needing major over haul for the
Basso collection.
My mother went to Italy before she died. After she died
I don’t know where she went. Despite her Roman Catholic insistence,
dragging us off to church, vigil candles before the infant on her
bureau, even my fathers contribution on the Irish side… I did not
believe in heaven or hell or very much in that god of the bible – a
little to human in his despotic approach to governing. I’d a
probably signed up for the republic n joined the Lucifarians. But
when my mother died I remember praying, crying, hoping at the risk of
my own self like “god if you’d take my mother to heaven I’d
gladly go to your hell”. Like please let her find what she believed
in. Let it be the way she thought it would be. I don’t care about
me but let heaven be heaven for her. You know a variation of take
me instead. I’ll hope heavens real even though if it is then hell’d
be real too and well I wont be surprised if I’d end up there. But
what about my mother would heaven be a place without her child?
Maybe. But I think she had some of that old time stuff you know you
get to meet your loved ones again in heaven. I guess it could get
complicated like you die and want to see your loved ones in heaven
but what if since you left them they became evil? Or what if the ones
you loved didn’t necessarily love you? What about that gorgeous one
you had a crush on but couldn’t stand you? Is one persons heaven
another persons hell? what about Hitler's mother? Maybe she loved
her son? Maybe she will love him forever and in her heaven he’d be
with her? What would the neighbours think of that? Maybe each person
gets their personal heaven and all the loved ones are kinda
illusionary? Like the part of Hitler before he got evil would be the
part that would be with his loved ones? But then wouldn’t heaven be
based on a lie? Fuck it. All I know is I loved my mother and I wished
and continue to wish that she was not too surprised by what happened
after she was released from her cancerous body full of suffering. All
I know is I’d gladly go through hell if it would help the one who
gave me birth be where she deserves to be.
May all beings be free of suffering wherever they may be
whatever they may be – now.
its not my birthday any more. I’ll never be 52 in this
lifetime again. so how different is it? I like 53 for some reason. I
like the sound of it. 52 seems kinda white breadish but fifty three –
a little like a sharpened steel. Fifty three, seems to prowl through
the environment, seems to be a more sure footed creature, confident
of each place it puts its feet, able to look things right in the eye.
No regrets.
you cant go with your thoughts even if you try.
you only think you can.
the thoughts rise pass fall
each begins the cycle anew. you think you can go with
them making plans worrying defining good n bad self n other but
really
no matter how profound or elaborate no matter how many
seemingly stung together, the weave no matter how intricate precise
is only woven out of smoke.
your
true nature cannot go with thoughts even if you try.
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